23 Jan How a Bad Year Made Me a Better Person

Mindset determines everything we do and feel ­– and that includes how we see our past and anticipate the future. Change your mindset to change how you experience life.

Written by Daniela Cavalletti

7 min read

So, it’s almost the end of January of yet another year already. How that happened so quickly is a bit of a mystery, but here we are. Half of Australia is still on holidays, the other half is slowly getting back into the swing of things.

The conversations I’ve had these past few days with colleagues and clients – about the year gone by and the one ahead –, have had two prominent undertones: one of excitement and one of quietly buzzing stress.

Interestingly, there wasn’t much middle ground.

Fixed vs. Growth: Your Mindset Sets the Tone

I was reminded of a book I have on my reading list, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. In it author Carol Dweck, a Stanford psychologist, discusses the two basic mindsets that shape all our lives. She terms them the ‘fixed mindset’ and the ‘growth mindset’.

She says:

“In the fixed mindset, everything is about the outcome.
If you fail—or if you’re not the best—it’s all been wasted.
The growth mindset allows people to value what they’re doing regardless of the outcome.”

Dweck found, that the growth mindset creates a passion for learning, change and improvement rather than a hunger for approval and winning. In the growth mindset frame of mind, we are guided by an internal driver we can control and reset. While the external approval we seek, when in a fixed mindset, cannot be actively controlled, and that creates stress.

My Annus Horribilis

I think I was attracted to Dweck’s work and concept not just because I’m fascinated with the plasticity of our brains and all the current new discoveries around just how flexible the brain is. But because a less-than-easy 2017 made me reconsider my own approach to how I see myself, and deal with work, life, and the intersection of both.

From being uprooted from a beloved neighborhood, and being hit by a car just four days after moving house, to the aftershocks such a tumultuous year brings: 2017 was a year full of upheaval.

But recently, I realised that I’m ok with all that now. It seemed, I’d made a huge shift from the fixed mindset to the growth mindset. But how? And what does it mean?

Who Am I? Who Are You?

We all define ourselves in a number of ways; we subconsciously take on a persona that often starts in childhood. For me, the main melody running through my life was I’m The Problem Solver, The Achiever, The Doer. The refrain of my story was “Daniela can cope with / conquer / learn / do / fix anything.” It was well-meant praise by family and teachers, and later others in my life. And it stuck: I enjoyed the challenge of being everyone’s go-to person, as much as the satisfaction of a job well done and having helped someone.

But in 2017 so much became unstuck, things were out of my control – house move, accident, whiplash, work hours, no gym, no social life for a long while – and I simply could no longer function as The Capable Doer.

Faced with the inability to do what I do, I felt I no longer was me. I was stuck in a fixed mindset. And miserable.

Now, to get through this challenging year, I could either wail and rage – wasting precious energy I didn’t have – or find a better way. And, yes, I did a fair bit of raging and wailing before I then realised:

I completely had to rethink the concept of who I actually am.

From Xena to Zenny

A couple of months after the accident, it became clear that while I had been lucky (no broken bones) – getting back to full mobility and being pain-free would take a while. Enter: rage, fear, confusion. Quite a few tears were shed. It just wasn’t fair!

Once I managed to get that out of my system, though, I thought: what next? How can I get through the unknown number of months of not being my usual full-on Xena, the she-can-do-anything fighter?

I began talking to close family and friends about how I see myself and what issues that brings with it in the post-accident time. It became clear to me that I had slipped on that cloak of The Can-Do-Problem-Fixer so long ago, but never questioned whether it actually was right or good for me.

Over the next few months I did a lot of soul-searching and took a long hard look at myself. I realised that I was actually tired of always being “on” and the go-to person for everything and everyone! My ego and self-image just had not allowed me to really admit it to myself.

So, I decided to say goodbye to wild Xena and hello to calm Zenny.

By Becoming Nicer to Myself, I’ve Become A Nicer Person to Others

I’d be lying if I told you it was all smooth sailing. I still get frustrated at not being able to do certain things, insurances dragging their feet, and being still so much less fit than pre-accident.

But I get over that frustration and anger faster. I much sooner see that raging against what I cannot change is a waste of effort and energy (of which there is still no full supply). I look at what I have and can do, and not what I don’t have or still cannot do. I will get there – the fully recovered, active me – eventually, just not today. And that’s ok.

And you know what? Since my change of attitude and self-image, life feels so much easier. It flows rather than stutters along. I see the good things first, and 2017 has now changed from a bloody $%#&ing challenge to a great opportunity to live a better, calmer life.

The Zenny Reading List

An important part of the journey of dealing with 2017’s frustrations better, and changing my mindset, were conversations. Different ideas and experiences to explore and trying to see whether they fit me. Friends and family shared stories. My very insightful and intuitive closest friends helped me open doors that wanted to stay firmly shut.

And they all recommended books. Glorious amounts of interesting books!

Below are the top three I found most helpful; their concepts and ideas. Dive in, pick what appeals, and relish what you discover:

• Radical Acceptance, by Tara Bach: Radical Acceptance is about a positive attitude towards life, just as it is; but it’s not about accepting everything unquestioningly. This book will take a few pages to grow on you, give it a little while. I didn’t like the beginning as I couldn’t identify with the feelings described in the opening chapter. Stick with it; and you can pick what you want to take away from it. If you want a short crash-course of what radical acceptance is all about try this link, or this article.
• Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, by Carol S. Dweck: Sounds like a business book, but isn’t. Dweck looks at all aspects of our lives where mindset ­– how we think about our talents and abilities, our failures and wins – plays a pivotal role: sport, relationships, business, teaching and learning.
• The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, by Mark Manson: Manson’s provocative title hides a subtle art indeed – choosing wisely what we engage in and allow ourselves to get fired up by. Pick your battles. A great, insightful (and funny!) read. No patience to read the whole thing? Check out the blog post that started it all.

What Will the Next Year Bring?

So far, 2018 is looking pretty fine to me … In the past few months, I’ve learned a lot about myself, and shed a few layers of the onion that makes up each of our complex personas and egos. Because of a challenging year, I’ve become nicer to and calmer with myself and others (yay!).

If I cannot change it, I won’t fight it. Things faze me less, so I react in a more relaxed way. I even use the bell on my bike and the horn on my scooter less; not a small feat if you know me well! Yes, sometimes the Italian temper still comes through. But hey, Rome wasn’t built in a day, right?

I might not have attained Zen level yet (a long way to go there).

But being “Zenny”, rather than “Xena”, feels like a good start to a new year. And a new me.