06 Mar How to Teach Yourself to Be Less Stressed + Frantic

Too busy? You cannot make your days longer to get everything done (sorry). But you can change your perception of time. Sooth your buzzing brain by teaching yourself to be less frantic.

Written by Daniela Cavalletti

9 min read

I’ve just come back from a big networking event where I bumped into many old friends and new faces. It was great fun, and it reaped a few new leads and referrals. It even cemented a budding business partnership. During the many hellos and introductions I heard, one refrain kept repeating itself:

“I’m just so busy!”

The Dangers of Being “Too Busy”

It’s something I’m told – and read in online conversations – a lot. “Gotta run!”, “No time for breakfast, sorry!”, “I’ve got too much on; can’t make our catch up this week.”

Tell me: when did you ever hear anyone this side of 1999 say that they have time to spare? Be it in their work or private lives. We carry our busyness like a badge of honour in today’s society. But I think it’s actually a festering wound; a disease, if you will.

For one, it’s a real business-hampering factor telling someone you’re already at capacity. “How will they fit in my work, and do it well in this state?” they’ll wonder. Think about it.

Do you talk like this to your potential clients? Or even your kids, friends or other important people in your life? When you say “I’m really busy …” they likely hear you’re too busy with something or someone more important to be with them. Ouch!

In the face of such high personal prices to pay, why is trying to give the impression we’re buried in ‘things to do’ and short of time so important to us? Why do we still too-often measure our own importance and success by how much we can cram into our days? 

Because otherwise we’d have to admit we cannot cope. 

We Have Finite Time in An Infinite World

It’s not that we really have less time – we’re simply feeling more stretched and overwhelmed today.

We might feel we are time-poor, but studies keep showing that we are in fact spending more time with our families, and are not actually working more than in previous decades.

I think this pride in our busyness is something else: a coping mechanism for our sense of overwhelm in the face of an ‘infinite world’. And endless, swelling stream of forever more things to do and react to in our digital, information-based daily worlds.

As an economy, we have moved away from mostly manual work that had boundaries: seasons dictated when farmers could sow seeds or harvest crops. You couldn’t start building the roof of a house before the foundations were finished. One step had to follow a set of previous steps. There were imposed breaks and a fixed time to do things.

Today, we are mostly immersed in knowledge work – working with information. And that is infinitely available, and a pool that’s constantly growing online. And so our being ‘on’ never stops. Our technology-laden environment provides us with a never-ending influx of emails, voicemails, notifications, reminders, meetings, new ideas, images, and to-do items. Creating a daily sense of FOMO and being pulled in 1,037 directions at the time.

We are human beings with a finite amount of time, skills and energy each.

Yet we’re trying to churn through an infinite amount of work,
leisure and social commitments,
opportunities and temptations.

It’s impossible.

As a result, we’re overwhelmed – and ‘too busy’ for our own good.

How to Restore a Sense of Calm + Control

How can we regain a sense of calm in the face of this onslaught? What can we do to shift from the overwhelm of ‘so busy’ to a more relaxed and balanced, positively-engaged state of being?

During an ‘interesting’ past year, I’ve tried to quieten and sooth my overactive brain and overwhelmed self in a number of ways. This is what worked for me – give it a whirl if you need a break from yourself and “too busy”, too.

#1. Be Aware

Sounds like a no-brainer, but this is actually one of the hardest parts: realising that you’re driving yourself nuts by buying into your busyness. Are you randomly reacting to the influx of things; playing ping-pong with your attention flitting between a notification here, a chiming phone there, and an impatient client in the middle? Stop. Breathe. Think. What really needs to be done, and which pressures are you taking on that are not yours or neither relevant nor important? What unnecessary distractions and obligations have you inflicted on yourself? 

#2. Identify Your Sacrifices

You lead a very full life; naturally it gets busy. I get it. But what are you sacrificing at the altar of busyness? What are you currently ‘too busy’ to do? Does your unquestioned busyness give you blinkers – and keep you from seeing what’s really important? Grab a pen and paper right now and make a list of the things you’ve missed out on over the past few weeks. Don’t think too much or censor yourself; just write from the gut. My list consisted of checking in with friends by picking up the phone rather than texting, going for regular early-morning walks enjoying the sounds of nature’s waking up, reading through my pile of good (hard copy) books for pleasure, and having a chatty home-cooked dinner with my husband every Sunday.

#3. Set Priorities

I bet you had a few things on your list of sacrifices that made you cringe. Or angry, maybe even tearful and sad. What have you been neglecting that you miss doing? Turn this around by making a list of priorities that align with your needs. What makes you feel happy and human (rather than a tired worker bee endlessly buzzing around)? To stay sane, I need time in nature, moving my body, one-on-one connections and conversations, being playful and being creative. Amongst other things, I now spend time with my nearly-5-year-old twin granddaughters at least once a week. We pick them up from school and play in parks, before cooking, drawing, or tending to our tiny inner-city garden. That alone ticks a lot of the boxes I needed to fill. And that time is fixed in my calendar – nothing can budge that.

#4. Accept Your Limitations

You simply cannot do it all. This was a tough one for me, but it’s a necessary step for getting back in control. Over how you spend your time and how good you feel about it. There are simply too many shiny things vying for our attention than we can realistically engage with. So you need to pick sensibly what is important, and let go of what is not.

“How?” I hear you ask. Setting priorities and blocking out time in our calendar for those important things (whether for work or personal stuff), is one step. I also draw up a to do list each night with three must-do tasks and some could-do tasks if I have enough time. Sometimes the list gets too long, stressing me out, and it’s time to let go of a few ideas or projects. I bet there are things on your list that have been there for weeks, months if not years. If you really cannot bring yourself to outright delete them, have a “Future Projects” list to dump those items into (I use Asana). Et voilà! You’ll get more done, zip through your to-do list, and feel a whole lot better about yourself.

#5. Pace Yourself + Stay Present

When we feel time-poor, we tend to try and cram as much as possible into our schedule. I bet you had lunch while working at your desk, or answered incoming emails while trying to get some other work done. But that comes at a price: your focus and your happiness. A recent Harvard study found that on average our mind wanders a staggering 47%. So we spend only just over 50% of our time focusing on the things we’re actually doing. It also showed that we’re at our most happy when we’re present by focusing on what we’re doing in a given moment. “Mind-wandering is an excellent predictor of people’s happiness,” says psychologist Matthew Killingsworth. “In fact, how often our minds leave the present and where they tend to go is a better predictor of our happiness than the activities in which we are engaged.” The study found that people were happiest when making love, exercising or engaging in conversation. They were least happy when resting, working or using a computer at home. Food for thought. Here’s a little exercise to help you stay in the moment.

#6. Cherish Creative, Playful Time

One of my favourites! Make time to get out of your rational head to use your imagination. Introduce some playful, creative time to your day and see how much better and relaxed you feel. Whether you paint, make music, cook a new recipe, do some DIY or solve a monster sudoku puzzle – do whatever floats your particular boat. I know, I know … It seems counterintuitive to make time for something else when you’re already feeling time poor. Yet as with making time for your priorities in life, remaining curious and using your creative side and imagination is vitally important. It will relax you and make you more focused and productive when you are actually working. You’ll get more done, enjoy it more, … and have more time for other things. Still not convinced? Here’s some science that proves it.

#7. Less Virtual, More Tangible

Now, I’m a life-long bookworm, but even I have times I’m just ‘too busy to read’ an actual book. And every time that’s a sobering and depressing realisation for me. I find the time to read news and Facebook updates on my mobile and desktop multiple times a day when in this state, accumulating at least an hour each day. But I’m ‘too busy’ to read an actual book? Hmmm … So I deleted news and social media apps from my phone for one, and put away all screens at night, and read a book instead. It’s hard to break the habit of quick distraction and information-satisfaction, but if I can do, trust me, you can. Reading books relaxes and energises. It stimulates creativity and  imagination (and therefore our ability to problem-solve at work). You’ll come across new ideas, ways of thinking, and language. Reading books (or other long-form writing) forces us to properly focus – and completely be in the moment. 

Being with people we care about equally gives us a boost. Roaming the world of social media is stressful; especially because we inadvertently compare ours to the glittering lives friends or even strangers seem to lead. Contrast that with the proven positive effects of true connections and friendships have on our physical (e.g. lowered cholesterol and blood pressure,) mental and emotional wellbeing – and spending more time with those dear to us is a no-brainer. 

#8. Give Your Time Away

When we get stressed we become isolated. Yet as humans we need community and connection. The real magic happens when we truly ‘meet’ someone, and both of us come to life and feel seen in a shared moment. Consider volunteering your time to connect with people living on the streets, refugees, the elderly, or children. You’ll gain a new perspective, possibly new friends, and a new boost to embrace all of life (and not just your out-of-control to do list). “People who give time feel more capable, confident, and useful,” one Harvard Business Review article explains. “They feel they’ve accomplished something and, therefore, that they can accomplish more in the future. And this self-efficacy makes them feel that time is more expansive.” If you need a little inspiration to make that move, subscribe to The Inner Circle weekly emails. No-nonsense, real stories of how we all have the same needs as humans. And how we all can shine after having stared into the worst moments. Prepare to be moved and motivated to reach out.

#9. Be Quiet, Seek Nature

Get out of the house and breathe some fresh air. I bet your parents, like mine, told you to play outside a lot while growing up. And they did have a point that still serves us well as busy grown-ups. Being in nature as a relaxing effect on our nervous systems; it de-stresses us. One study showed that just a short time of walking in the forest significantly decreases the major physiological signs of stress. The stress hormone cortisol was down an impressive 16%, blood pressure dropped, and even heart rates slowed.  Getting out into nature is a perfect way to switch off the noise in our heads and grab some solitude. The rhythm of walking helps us to stay in the present, mindful of what we are doing right now. Make some time to go nowhere and do nothing.

From Too Busy to Busy Enough

The cult and pressure of daily busyness make us lonely, stressed and unhappy. When we’re ‘too busy’ we become protective of our time and space, and risk isolating ourselves from connection with others. From what gives our lives meaning and joy. And this isolation and protecting of ‘our space’ breeds intolerance. You just have to walk or drive your car in peak-hour traffic and listen to the horns bleeping and people swearing at each other to know that is true. We feel beleaguered and cranky when stressed; impatient to get somewhere, or get something. 

The hardest lesson of all is that our time is not limitless.

We simply will never be able to do it all, or see it all, try it all. 

Instead of trying to achieve the impossible – have limitless time –, why not give ourselves permission to slow down, be present and savour the time we have? I bet we’ll all feel a whole lot better for it.

Are you in?